I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

Alternate title was “Confessions: 30th Birthday Edition”.


I’m 30 years old. Just typing it makes me feel all a sort of way. Not sure what way, exactly, because I don’t feel old but I definitely feel like I should feel older but I also still feel young but not quite as young as I used to so I just really don’t know what to feel…  Anyway, since it’s a big deal birthday I thought I would share some thoughts on the matter in the form of my favorite post template: confessional list.


  1. I thought that by 30 I would have like, an elaborate makeup routine and look really polished and put together and classy all the time, and may be a stylish haircut that took some time and products and tools to work it into a grown-up-looking “do” each day… but yeah, that’s not me. In fact, I just went through my makeup drawer and threw away a bunch of stuff that I never use, so that all I have are my every day essentials and a few sticks of cheap eyeliner and a 2-color palette of eye shadow, plus my purple glitter fake lashes that I may need again one day.  Here are my essentials:  deoderant, organic and cruelty-free blush OR bronzer (blush in winter and bronzer in summer), eyelash curler, volumizing water-proof mascara, Aquaphor for my lips, and a bamboo blush brush. Also, if you have seen me ever you know that I have long wavy hair and it’s usually wild and free or in a braid. So, so much for having my “look” together at 30. Behold, my aresenal. I even included the eyelash curler and the bronzer that is on standby till summer, to make it look like I use more than I do.
  2. Turning 30 makes me feel like I should understand 401k plans or what the different kinds of life insurance are or what interest rate is good for a mortgage. I have zero knowledge of any of these things, and don’t even know what our average power bill is. I am blessed with a phenomenal Husbeast who loves financial planning and has a business degree from a fancy school in Risk Management and Insurance, which means he truthfully understands and even enjoys all of those things.  He handles all of this in our household, and I manage the health and well-being of the animals, indoor plants, and child. I also do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, but that’s more of my OCD-tendencies and schedule than anything. At any rate, he deals with all of the money stuff very well, so I figure, why stop him now? Husbeast, you have a great  handle on all of it. I will promote you to full-time money and futures and mortgage and bills manager. Keep up the good work.
  3.  I thought for sure I would be a mom with multiple kids who knew what she was doing and had everything down pat and either do or go to a lot of really educational events and activities with my kids. Newsflash, we only have one so far and double newsflash, I wing it. I read about gentle parenting and attachment parenting and what kids need and don’t need and what toys to buy or not buy and what kinds of stimuli they need every day, but when it comes to the day-to-day I do well to read one book at bedtime and feed her some veggies with dinner. Parenting is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and sometimes I want to go back and meet my 16-26 year-old self and slap her for all of her terrible ideas about parenting and how she judged other parents. You never know till you’re in the moment what you are willing to do or not do, so don’t kid yourself with the “I’ll NEVER do ___” or “I’ll ALWAYS make sure ___ with MY kids”. Dream on, sister. (Also, I don’t think the multiple kids part not being true yet is technically my fault, since I’m doing all I can in that department to add to our family via adoption. We’ll only give that a half point. Or deduct half a point? I’m not sure how we’re keeping score here.)
  4. I planned that I would have my dream house and be making a lot of money as a vet. Let’s all pause and laugh at my former self’s naive little peabrain. Bless her heart. I think one of the reasons a lot of millenials are in astronomical debt is because they think that as soon as they graduate they should have all the things that their parents had when they were growing up, even though their parents didn’t get to that point until many years after college and kids. Do you see how silly it is to think that at 24 and fresh out of college (unless you’re a sucker for punishment and go to professional school, then closer to 28-30), you absolutely can not and should not be able to have everything that you had in middle school when your parents were in their 40’s or 50’s?!?! Ridiculous. Glad I came to my senses before I graduated. Slash, glad Husbeast showed me the error of my thinking. Anyway, dream home is a few years out still, and we all know I’ve talked to y’all before about how vets don’t really make a lot of money, so, again, bless my little naive heart.
  5. By 30, I wanted to have the Prince Charming, the sweet family, awesome friends, my dream job, and lots of adventures and travels in my passport and photo albums. Oh wait, this one is true. Well then… guess I should count myself blessed indeed! Truthfully, I am incredibly blessed, and only appreciate it more every day. This birthday was incredible, and so many people went out of their way to make sure I felt loved. Husbeast and Soul Sister coordinated a massive project to get all my friends and family to write notes to me and submit photos, and then those got put in a book for me to look through. Words of Affirmation is my love language, and y’all, I feel SO loved. So many people wrote the sweetest and most sincere things to me. So many more wrote that they loved my sass (bless you all for that). And even though I feel like a frumpy schmuck, at least 4 people mentioned how much they like my style, so they get the most points and a follow-up question of “how would you describe my style?”, which is purely for academic purposes. People shared favorite memories and adventures, what attributes they like about me, what kind of person they think I am, and more. I cried. And felt so loved. If you wrote one, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will treasure your words and love forever.


I picked a word for 2017. SAVOR. It’s to remind me to live in the moment and experience and appreciate it for what it is. I wrote this on Instagram yesterday, which I think explains it well: “…I thought, this is it. This is my life, my crazy beautiful bittersweet life that has [Punkadoodle] and [Husbeast] in it. This life has so many hard and bitter and heartbreaking moments for sure, but it also has these little nuggets of sweetness and joy and hope. It’s full of people I love and who love me well. It can be so bittersweet, but if life were only sweet it would rot our teeth and souls. We need the bitter to become stronger, to push forward, and to be more courageous. Bittersweet is audacious and good, in that it opens you up to the potential of life and puts you in God’s palm, right where you need to be. So I will treasure these little moments of sweetness in the midst of the bitter- SAVOR them, and attempt to live abundantly where I am, as I am.” Now, a lot of that is paraphrased Shauna Niequest, so all credit to her, but it is exactly what I need. Not to be stuck focusing on the heartache of the past or the anxiety of the future, but the here and now, which I can appreciate and attempt to enjoy or learn from or whatever else the moment calls for. So here’s to savoring 2017, the beginning of my 30’s, and potentially the best year of my life. 


To truly capture and commemorate 30, I had a photo shoot done with some stats. Enjoy.

I’m a sucker for the open-mouth smile… clearly. Whatever, it’s my photoshoot and my birthday.



If growing up means I must be/anything that I don’t wanna be/I’ll never grow up/never grow up/never grow up/not me. -The Fools


Grace and Peace,


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