All Mixed Up

Tiny fragments of thoughts and ideas and plans keep drifting in and out of my brain, like wisps of smoke- here one second and then gone. I’m processing slower, taking longer to respond, and feel like my head is in a fog. According to my therapist, I’m still in the shock phase of grief. And could be here for a while.

 

Since that’s where my head is, here are a few of the pieces and fragments floating around in my head currently.

 

Yesterday was supposed to be the day Husbeast donated a kidney to Papa Joe. It was a hard day for all of us. We were so prepared for surgery and time off work and all of the potential complications of surgery, that now our schedule and time look so empty since it didn’t happen. We’re going to visit Mama a lot in the next few months, but other than that I think we’re going to embrace some of the voids in the schedule and just focus on spending time together. It’s so bittersweet to not be sitting in a hospital room right now. It’s so heartbreaking to know Papa Joe isn’t in the next room over, already cracking jokes with the nurses and sneaking non-hospital food. It makes me want to say “it’s not fair”, and shake my fist and stomp my feet, or, what I really have been doing, weep and bury my head into Husbeast’s arms.

 

Moana is Disney magic. We got it for Punkadoodle’s birthday and we’ve watched small segments pretty much every day. The music is amazing, the characters are fun, the animation is beautiful, and the story line is pretty sweet. Plus, Dwayne Johnson singing in animated form is exactly what you would imagine.

 

I feel like I should blog more about vet stuff and animals… I never dreamed this adoption journey would be so… consuming. I anticipated a lot of down time and waiting, for sure, but not so much up and down and up and down and up and down… I also didn’t anticipate having so much to write about in my personal life, and honestly thought I would be sharing way more vet stuff. I promise I’ll try to get back into that!

 

Kale is overrated and I’m tired of everyone singing it’s praises. There, I said it. I shared on Instagram earlier this week that my sweet mother-in-law stocked our fridge with some easy dinners for us, and one was a veggie lasagna that is “now made with more kale!”. The lasagna turned out great, but I shared some hard truths about my feelings toward kale. For starters, it takes a lot of work to prepare it in any edible fashion. Wash it. Massage it. Salt it. Soak it. Ugh. Way too high maintenance. Second of all, spinach and arugula do the job just fine- both are also considered super greens. And they taste better. Significantly. And thirdly, I’m really tired of all the kale worshippers pushing it so hard. It doesn’t give you superhuman strength or powers, and it’s only moderately more healthy than spinach. No thanks. Quit trying to get me to join your Kale Kult.

 

After being gone for a week, our pets have become stage 5 clingers. The kitten won’t let me out of his sight. The dogs are fighting over who can lay next to us on the couch. I’m feeling the love. Tonks is also confirmed pregnant, so we’re going to have some sweet little marshmallow fluffballs added to the crew soon. (If you’re interested in a toy Australian Shepherd puppy, check out her boyfriend’s website for more info!)

             

 

This season of loss is inescapably hard and pressing. We don’t pretend to understand God’s will or His plan, but surely surely surely there is a purpose in all of this pain. We have lost 3 adoption matches, endured a miscarriage and lost a beloved bio baby, lost $7,000 on our most recent match failure (all of our savings for the adoption from our personal tithing over the last two years), and now we have lost Papa Joe. Loss of any kind is understandably hard, and losses on so many levels and different fronts has been crushing. We have no choice but to cling to each other and God’s promises, although if I’m honest I don’t feel like I’m “hearing” from God right now. I keep looking for the purpose; the beauty from the ashes; the reason all of this loss and heartache is happening to us when we are just trying to follow God’s call. If nothing else, Mama and I discussed just moving forward- one foot in front of the other- and being obedient, and maybe in time we will hear from God. My therapist also recommended to stop searching for purpose and just rest in God’s promises and healing, so I’ll try to figure out how to do that.

 

Emily Truax Photography

All mixed up you don’t know what to do/ Next thing you turn around and find the person is you. -311

 

Grace and Peace,

Stevie

 

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